Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
