i think i have two assholes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
