You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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