I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you had me at cake vodka
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
