I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
