woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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