Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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