My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
