he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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