Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
