I can text with my tongue
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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