now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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