Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
