even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
