Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
