i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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