you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
