Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
