Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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