ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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