did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
