I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
