ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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