my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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