Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
