He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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