where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
