____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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