Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
