Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
