eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
how does that bad decision feel?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
