y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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