I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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