he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
