Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
