I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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