I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
