we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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