come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I smell like Dick and happiness
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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