TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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