I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize