You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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