I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
