Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
