Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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