Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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