she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize