Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
