I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
