Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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