I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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