found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
