Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
