oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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