i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
