she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
my poor anus
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
