so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
